I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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