I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
