You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
