Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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