I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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