Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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