he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Randomize
