if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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