you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Floor bacon is actually really good
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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