i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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