Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
