it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
