dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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