I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
