If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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