i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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