i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
