I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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