I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
