I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
