my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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