he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
