I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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