if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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