tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
