Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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