the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
