glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
