Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
