i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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