captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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