After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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