nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Randomize
