i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
