He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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