He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
don't judge my taste in strippers
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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