Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
