I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Oh god it's open bar.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
