I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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