She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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