One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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