she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
