I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
