I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
