you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
