My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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