there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
