She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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