Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Randomize
