I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
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They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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