Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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