4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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