It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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