i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
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You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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