Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
