broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
