just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
