well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
