Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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