You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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