I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
