This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
