Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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