you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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